Our secretary has done it again.

Here’s her latest email:

To: LA-All
From: The Receptionist
Subject: Lost Celly

There’s a cell phone on the loose. If you see a lone one roaming the halls please guide it back to reception….

Or maybe I’m just so jaded from office cubicle living all day that I think she’s a professional comedian and her email wasn’t funny at all.

No, no she’s actually pretty funny now that I think about it. You know how people always send out company emails and start out with “Sorry for the spam…”, but then proceed to spam you anyway? Or maybe that’s just Internet company lingo. “Regular” companies probably don’t speak like that. Yet. They’ll come around sooner or later, I’m sure.

Anyway, yesterday our secretary sent out a mass email that ended with “And I’m NOT sorry for the spam.” Yeah, she’ll make you LOL all right.

Do you know where I can get a good spam filter? Because work emails are still seeping through into my Inbox under the pretense that they pertain to me. Well, they do not. And I say that most emphatically.

Even if I did actually take the time and read them, it would take too long to decipher the meaning from the computer-ish language mumbo jumbo that our IT Department calls “English”. I don’t have time for that. There’s important work to be done! Like writing a post for this little guy, for example. They don’t grow on trees you know. I put my heart & soul into this masterpiece and this is the thanks I receive? No puedo, no puedo mas! And I mean that in the huffiest way possible. I’m not sorry either. You know what you did.

Sorry, mi gente. Apparently I’ve watched one too many Spanish telenovelas these days in an effort to bone up on my Spanish, and now I think it’s normal to create drama everywhere I go. Be warned, watching even one is the same thing as watching one too many. All of a sudden your life will be filled with crying, cheating, and “Ay, Dios!” es every five minutes. And that can’t be healthy.  You’ll have no one to blame but yourself either.

Whew, that was a serious digression. Back to the spam.

Here it was, in all its glory:

Date: Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
Start Time: 22:00 PDT
Estimated End: 22:11 PDT

Service/Equipment: Exchange Email Server Type Of Work: Software Install Purpose Of Work: Enable Improved Reporting Impact Of Work: Email downtime

The engineers will be installing reporting software on the server for SVN maintenance. Production job processing in BMC will be placed on hold during this time. Another email will be sent out once job processing has been resumed.

Sincerely,

Your IT Department

What tha fuu? Sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.

Why do they keep cc’ing me about things that have nothin to do with me! Now I’ll need a break before I can get back to concentrating on what I was doing before I was so rudely interrupted. And that was reading The Delicious Life, if you must know.

I mean seriously. Stop the spam computer company! Enough already. No puedo mas.

As I was getting into my car last night, I saw Pradeep, a contractor from India who works with me. I know it’s shocking to hear of a computer company that hires Indian contractors, but I’m not even making this up. Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.

Pradeep’s car wouldn’t start, and I ended up helping him. Helping him, that is, by calling AAA. Did you expect anything more? I’m just not a knowlegable car girl. Or a knowlegable sports team girl. That’s just how it goes folks, much to the chagrin of the men I date.

Anyway, today he wrote me a thank you email.

Before we proceed, let me provide you with a little background information. My name is Cherie Turner. Well, to be honest, that’s not my real last name. Are you crazy? Hellooooooo, there’s identity theft everywhere, and I refuse to be another statistic. But let’s just pretend that it’s my name for the sake of the story.

Here’s his email:

To: Cherie Turner

From: Pradeep Ponuswamishah

Hi Turner,

Thanks a million for your help last night. I will never forget this help to the very final end.

Cheers,

Pradeep

Awwww, thanks Pradeep. Or I guess I should say thanks Ponuswamishah. Apparently that’s how people refer to each other in Indian business talk. I’m not really used to being called “Turner”. But hey, who am I to argue? “Turner” it is. To the very final end.

I found this in my Inbox this morning:

To:LA ALL

From: the Receptionist

Hello everyone….

A package has arrived with no name or contact info to be found anywhere. I opened it, folks, and all I have to say is this: If you’re having feline trouble at home please come see me.

Love,

Your Receptionist